Curacy Bites

“I can’t believe we’re going to meet our new churches today. It’s weird isn’t it? Like I’m nervous, but it’s already sorted, so… I dunno…”

“Yeah. Is this lipstick too much?”

“No, it’s hot. It’s just that first impressions make me nervous you know?”

“Hot? Like too hot for a Vicar’s wife?”

“I thought you didn’t want to look like a Vicar’s wife?”

“I don’t. But I don’t want to not look like a Vicar’s wife. Like, I don’t wanna be un-Vicar’s-wifey, right?”

“Right. I like it. Anyway, it’s just weird we meet everyone now but then don’t start til June. Like it makes me want to start now, you know?”

“Mmm. You’re right. I should get changed.” 

* * * 

“Nice to meet you! This little one yours?”

“Yes, this is Tiny. Sorry, I would shake your hand but I’m covered in chewed up biscuit…”

“Don’t worry, my hands have been covered in worse!”


* * * 

“Ah you’re the new curate?”

“Yes, nice to meet you!”

“Excellent. Will you speak at the Mothers’ Union meeting on the 14th of November?”

“Oh I’m sorry, I don’t start until June.”

“Yes, I mean November 2017.”

“Haha! Right.”

“Well, will you?”

“Oh, you’re serious? Ok. Well, I haven’t got anything else booked in…”

“Excellent! It’s in the diary!”

* * *

“Well, that wasn’t too bad, was it? A bit hectic but they seem really, really nice.”

“Great. Oh, before I forget… Don’t give her that drink in her bag.”

“What? Her bottle? Why?”

“It’s got wee in it.”


There was no toilet.”

“But there was a potty. In the back room, he said that when we came in… Why didn’t you use the potty?!”

“It was full.”

“So… what? You emptied it into a bottle?”


“I don’t understand. You mean you made her wee into her bottle?!”

“No. It’s not hers…”

“It’s not her bottle?”

“No… It’s not her wee…”


“I told you there was no toilet!”

“It’s yours?!”

“There was no toilet!”

Are you seriously telling me you just pissed into your daughter’s water bottle, at the back of church… On a curacy visit?!!!”

“… Yes.”

“I don’t… I mean…”

“There was no toilet!”

“Oh man, it stinks… And it’s still warm! I can’t even believe this.”


“Well, we’re throwing that bottle away right now… No not right now, the Vicar’s there! Oh my word. And you’ve been shaking hands with people?!”

“There was no toilet!”

“I just can’t…”

“I know.”


“Nice church though.”



“They really need to get a toilet.”

* * *

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Tamara Bennett says:

    Brilliant – howled laughing!! Sounds like you guys had a fun day 😉



    1. Such fun! ! Just to be absolutely clear… Husband did the peeing!!! 😂


  2. Lynn says:

    Eeeee, you are hilarious 💜💜💜💜


  3. Haven’t laughed so much in ages!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad to be of service! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Just hysterical!!! Brilliant!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah thanks very much 😉


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